filmedinblackandwhite's Xanga

The Spider and the Fly

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 13:18:02 GMT

I could say that we are flys caught in a web of lies and deceit.

Cocooned and ready for consumption and destruction.

Packaged and unable to break free from the hell that awaits us.

But we are not the insects I once thought we were.

We are the Spiders full of venom and anger.

Trapped in the web we have so expertly made for ourselves.

Spinning until we can no linger see ahead or behind.

We are in a cloud of black and milky-white.

There is nothing left but the case that surrounds us.

But we will not go down as a man on death row, or a fly in a web.

We will meet our end with anger and screams.

Ripping ourselves from the inside out.

The lives we we live are nothing more than the web we have spun.

Unable to look ahead or behind.

Unable to see our self.

In the end we are left with ourscattered thoughts and broken dreams.

Left only with what is inside our heads and in our hearts.

In the end we will see what we have tried so hard to shut out.

The Spider is the hate, the deceit, and the lies.

We are the Spiders and we will not stop until we have consumed everything.

Ack

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 04:14:22 GMT

I just developed of fear of spiders. Went into the bathroom and turned on the light to little ones scurring up on a string to the ceilng, and a huge one in the corner by the window. I feel like they are crawling on me now. Kinda grossed out and uncomfortable. Thought I would let you know.

Uhhh....

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:23:19 GMT

I think I may want to change my major. Or double major. I'm going to have to mull and pray over this, and we shall see what God wants for my life. All I really want in life is to help people. As much as I love music and want to get young people involved, I feel as though it's not what I am made for. I had a good reflect on my life today, and I must say I am pretty shaken up. That was when social work degree hit me in the face. I'm shaking now. Especially because the only thing I am going to get from my parents is a lack of respect, and a "You can't change your major now, you've spent two years in music education, you DO NOT want to change your major." But honestly, I am at that point in my life. It seems like doors are opening and closing, and my life is morphing into something real.

I'm scared and excited.

Tragedy in the Sea Monkey Kingdom

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 13:33:12 GMT

A plauge on the tank has left my sea monkeys dead and dieing. From 15 sea monkeys when I left to 2 robust males this morning. What was just a small scale battle must have turned into a full on war, killing the queen and many of her loyal court. The only glimmer of hope is that the medicine I sent out for comes soon, and we are able to save my two warriors and any unhatched sons and daughters of the beautiful Branwen.

Ciaran is morning the loss of his fallen bretheren by swimming mornfully in loops and circles. Fintan doesn't look like he will pull through, he has turned a sickly shade of white and isn't swimming too well. I'm incredibly upset, but I can do nothing for them except wait.

To Failure - Philip Larkin

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 12:05:42 GMT

You do not come dramatically, with dragons
That rear up with my life between their paws
And dash me butchered down beside the wagons,
The horses panicking; nor as a clause
Clearly set out to warn what can be lost,
What out-of-pocket charges must be borne
Expenses met; nor as a draughty ghost
That's seen, some mornings, running down a lawn.

It is these sunless afternoons, I find
Install you at my elbow like a bore
The chestnut trees are caked with silence. I'm
Aware the days pass quicker than before,
Smell staler too. And once they fall behind
They look like ruin. You have been here some time.

Self

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:58:50 GMT

What is real,
These People?
My friends my family.
What they say, what they do.
Reality.
Living.
Day to day existence.

I do not exist.
I live on the border,
And I watch from both sides
With an all seeing eye.

They do, I see.
They say, I hear.
They touch, I feel.

I am nothing but a shadow, a ghost, an eye.
Seeing but never doing.
Hearing, but not saying a word.
Feeling everything without touching a thing.

I am a thing.
A shell
Left from something that died long ago.
The ringing of a chord that made you cry.

You can feel it.
See me,
Touch my scars.
You know the truth.
It is in your soul.
It was in this shell long ago.

It is the ghost that lingers here still.

It's 11:11

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 03:03:23 GMT

I'm listening to Jesus Christ Superstar in my dorm room alone. Sitting at a cluttered desk filled with water bottles, mail, homework and other useless items. Pilate is sealing Jesus's fate, and I'm fairly content. Homework is done and I am relaxing before it's time for me to sleep.

It feels like it's fall, and it feels like I'm falling in love. Even though I'm not. My heart skips beats, and I feel the longing to have a person's arms around my body, holding me tight. It's been a long time. I think I needed the time to myself. No more rushing into things and locking myself into position. I don't think I could handel anymore mental battering, even though I was into my old habits again. And by habits I mean old boyfriends. We tried to be friends again and as much as I wanted it to work, he decided to put me down and end it again. That's over, hopefully for good. I have a feeling that it isn't the last time though.

I was watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman and it was a surprisingly good movie. There was a quote that I can't remember word for word. Basically what she said was, If given the chance to hurt someone who has done you wrong, and you act on it, then you aren't over them. And you haven't forgiven them. And while I would never try to hurt someone, I don't feel bad when I see that person hurting. Because as much as I tried to help, it was never enough, and it was never okay. I was the one that got hurt in the end. While it made for good poetry, it ate me up inside.

While I refuse to make another "This is where I make my life better, and start something new" entry, I've been thinking a lot about my future. What I want out of college, and out of life. I am optimistic.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 00:55:11 GMT

So. I move back today. I just finished packing like five minutes ago. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. Luckly I live close by and I have work tomorrrow. So anything I forget I'll pick up later.

Until I'm back in Ol' KU Here is a picture that sums up my life.

'This is what i was put on earth to do'

*edit* Car crashes.... Not fun.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 18:30:51 GMT

I can drive legally now... hoohaa!

edit* Almost every single person I know is at band camp... College or High school..... And I'm not... how sad is that.

Another thing, maybe all those chain letters I never sent, wishing my relationship problems for 4-10 years are finally catching up with me.

Overture

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 02:43:22 GMT

Out out out...
To the streets
to the sky

Too shy

Lovers cry, poets dream
someone said
what a prophet
The lesson is not in the struggle, but the victory
pride, jealousy
loss

Be on your guard
don't loose yourself
this isn't a contest
or a battle
there are not gleaming swords
shield your weapons
hold your fire
silence

Make the first move
he looks just like him
don't cry
not here, not now

run

RUN!

Faster, get away
The faster you go, the farther you are
you won't remember
everything becomes a blur
you're fine

pretty china doll
cracking now
so dusty you can't see
can't breathe
feel the beat
draw some air
the light's still on

feeling sick
the medicine will come
just don't touch it
can't stop
love it
that's all

defective
broken seal
do not ingest
think about it
give up?

Thought so.